Drowning in the Little Things… and Finding Hope Again

I am amazing in a crisis.  I mean, I could direct FEMA if they asked me.  Something clicks in me and I go into this mode where I can access memories I didn’t know I had, and multitask and prioritize like a triage nurse.

But when it comes to the daily crisis of raising a family and dealing with life, I feel useless.  I become overwhelmed by one small thing after another until I feel like I’m drowning.

I have a daughter with special needs.  I’ve talked about her here a bit.  She is my firstborn, my only girl, and I adore her.  But she has a number of struggles and things we have to deal with on a daily basis.  And some days I see them all layed out and piled up on top of her shoulders, and I begin to feel that sense of drowning.

How do we do this? How will she manage in life?  How can I possibly help her with all of these different issues?

Yesterday it came to a climax after waking up to wet beds again, a tummy ache, a visit to the doctor, the pharmacist, an appointment to have an ultrasound done, talk of possible surgery, then a talk with her school psychologist, audiologist, and physical therapist.  Halfway through my talk with the physical therapist I began crying hysterically and just couldn’t stop.

I walked in the living room and Will (my 18 month old) saw me crying and he got very upset.  He didn’t cry, but held out his arms to me.  I picked him up and he wrapped his little arms around me, buried his head in my shoulder, and held me while I wept.  He held onto me like that for a few minutes while I just held on tight and let it wash over me.  He insisted on staying in my arms for the next 30 minutes, probably needing to make sure he had done his job well.  Which of course he had.  I felt lighter.  A bit more certain that we were all safe and loved and were going to be ok.

Although I have moments when I feel like I’m drowning in parenthood and just life in general. These small moments with my family remind me that at least we are in this together.  And when we hold on tightly to each other, we will make it.

God is good.  He has given us each other.  And once again, He has given me hope.  And peace.  And a deep sense of thanksgiving for this beautiful family of mine.

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